Let's get a little bit personal

It's been a crap of a week and it isn't even over yet. I've been trying to get inspired, write a post that is positive, like a review or share a recipe or something like that but I've had writers block. So I thought instead of open up a little, stop hiding behind the mask I have created for myself, the makeup and the false smiles and let it go.

It probably sounds trivial to some, or first world problems but so much has happened that bottling up won't help me and I can only say so much before I feel like I am a broken record, a whinger and a whiner. I don't want to lay my problems on my friends because they have lives and problems of their own and it seems pretty stupid and insignificant as to what I have going on in my life compared to theirs. So I'll just get straight into it.

My week started off with a good friend having to have emergency surgery so I was worried about her, then I had an inspection to prepare for, which was freaking me out, because for me inspections have alway triggered my anxiety and this one was no different. It did however become the highlight of my week though as I passed with flying colours and awesome feedback from my landlords. Then my boyfriend dropped a bombshell. He wanted to put our a relationship on hold while he sorted himself out. I can understand that and just want him to be happy, but it's killing me inside. He was the first person since my ex who I have been able to relate to on so many levels and I have fallen in love with him. There I said it, I've fallen in love with him. That's what has made it so hard. He's the first person I've allowed myself to fall in love with since I broke up with my ex fiancé 6 years ago. I'm fine during the day when I can keep myself busy and my mind on other things, but the night is a different matter, I feel lost and alone, missing the constant texts and conversations we've had during the day and the sweet good nights that became a nightly thing, wishing he was beside me, as I hold his pillow tight. Songs I hear trigger memories and remind of what I have lost, even if it is temporarily, this putting our relationship on hold will either make us or break us, and I am praying my hardest that the distance and time apart makes the heart grow fonder. 

I have decided to use this time to work on myself, start going to the gym, achieve the results I want and get to the size I want to be, allow myself to gain more self confidence and focus on what's important, my kids and myself. It will be a journey, but it's obviously one that I need to make, and this is the sign I need to show me what I need to do for myself and for my kids. It's going to be hard though. However I know I won't be doing it alone.

So that's pretty much what's been happening, why I've been so quiet, what's been going on in my head and life. I'm not doing this for the attention, I'm writing this to get it off my chest, so that it's not eating me up. Anyways, I'm heading off now so until next time, take care x